Tell Me About My Other Mommy
"Tell Me About My Other Mommy." Wow, 4 years old and I am already hearing this. Not that it really surprises me, my daughter is a genius. (says every mother) But really, I do wonder what is the best way to handle this.
Every child is so different, and for me, I knew that with my first child she would be wanting to understand it all. I have had friends say, a toddler needs short answers. Well, that does work for most kids, but this one is not satisfied until she has gotten three definitions for every word she doesn't know. SO... I found a delightful little book by Joanna Cole titled, "How I Was Adopted". After someone gave us a counting book on puppies being adopted, I thought I better read her something to explain the differences between 'and then there was 1 puppy left' and how truly amazing the gift of adoption is. I borrowed this children's book from the library when she was about three and a half. It had some descriptive words about the female anatomy that I didn't want her running around and saying so I verbally edited it. Otherwise, it was just perfect to serve as an introduction to the idea of adoption.
As she grows and her mind becomes more capable of grasping larger concepts, we look for the occasional opportunity to slip in a few positive comments here and there. Prior to creating http://www.TiesToMe.com, I was dropping off two nice, thick envelopes at the Post Office and my daughter asked me "who are the letters were for, mommy". My mind started spinning... how do I handle this... brush it off, give her a short, vague answer or take this opportunity to help her understand the beauty of her life. Well, I went with the third option. Ok, I didn't get THAT deep, but I did explain that the envelope contained pictures and a letter about our family and that I was sending it to the "woman who grew you in her tummy". I realized that this could be opening myself up to a huge conversation and possibly misunderstandings. At first, it didn't open anything. She just said "oh, ok". Hmmm, that was pretty easy. Right?
Well, later that night, after she had time to stew on the idea, she had more questions and a few comments. Some of which could be hurtful to some mothers out there, but you know what? I would much rather hear her say and ask these possible hurtful questions when she is too young to know that they are hurtful. She was just genuinely curious. Something that I absolutely love about her. So what was one of the "hurtful" comments? "I miss my other mommy." Personally, I was not hurt by this, but I know some mothers who might have been. I simply replied, "what other mommy?" to make sure she understood what she was saying. Mind you, I had not mentioned the title of mom or mommy earlier that day. She knew exactly what she was saying. It was a wonderful opportunity to really talk about this other women who played the key role in her life before she came home with us. She never met her birth mother after she was born, but I don't deny that she may miss her.
I think regardless of your child's age, it is important to really hear them as they ask questions and try to see through their eyes to understand what they are ready to hear. It is more about making them comfortable with the whole idea of adoption making it a common part of life so that they are not confused when the time comes to talk about it. I believe that the earlier a child understands what adoption is the better. That it is a part of many people's lives. That doesn't mean you sit your two year old down and explain every detail to them, but seasoning your vocabulary with age appropriate adoption language will only help them to understand and prepared them to ask you questions. I know that there will be tougher questions to answer in the future and I will have to prepare my heart for some of the comments that I am sure I will hear as she gets older. But you know, most mothers do hear a comment or two from their children that is hurtful, even those who were not lead on the path of adoption. Part of being a mom is to prepare ourselves with the stillness it takes to listen, to take a deep breath and to respond with a loving heart.
Every child is so different, and for me, I knew that with my first child she would be wanting to understand it all. I have had friends say, a toddler needs short answers. Well, that does work for most kids, but this one is not satisfied until she has gotten three definitions for every word she doesn't know. SO... I found a delightful little book by Joanna Cole titled, "How I Was Adopted". After someone gave us a counting book on puppies being adopted, I thought I better read her something to explain the differences between 'and then there was 1 puppy left' and how truly amazing the gift of adoption is. I borrowed this children's book from the library when she was about three and a half. It had some descriptive words about the female anatomy that I didn't want her running around and saying so I verbally edited it. Otherwise, it was just perfect to serve as an introduction to the idea of adoption.
As she grows and her mind becomes more capable of grasping larger concepts, we look for the occasional opportunity to slip in a few positive comments here and there. Prior to creating http://www.TiesToMe.com, I was dropping off two nice, thick envelopes at the Post Office and my daughter asked me "who are the letters were for, mommy". My mind started spinning... how do I handle this... brush it off, give her a short, vague answer or take this opportunity to help her understand the beauty of her life. Well, I went with the third option. Ok, I didn't get THAT deep, but I did explain that the envelope contained pictures and a letter about our family and that I was sending it to the "woman who grew you in her tummy". I realized that this could be opening myself up to a huge conversation and possibly misunderstandings. At first, it didn't open anything. She just said "oh, ok". Hmmm, that was pretty easy. Right?
Well, later that night, after she had time to stew on the idea, she had more questions and a few comments. Some of which could be hurtful to some mothers out there, but you know what? I would much rather hear her say and ask these possible hurtful questions when she is too young to know that they are hurtful. She was just genuinely curious. Something that I absolutely love about her. So what was one of the "hurtful" comments? "I miss my other mommy." Personally, I was not hurt by this, but I know some mothers who might have been. I simply replied, "what other mommy?" to make sure she understood what she was saying. Mind you, I had not mentioned the title of mom or mommy earlier that day. She knew exactly what she was saying. It was a wonderful opportunity to really talk about this other women who played the key role in her life before she came home with us. She never met her birth mother after she was born, but I don't deny that she may miss her.
I think regardless of your child's age, it is important to really hear them as they ask questions and try to see through their eyes to understand what they are ready to hear. It is more about making them comfortable with the whole idea of adoption making it a common part of life so that they are not confused when the time comes to talk about it. I believe that the earlier a child understands what adoption is the better. That it is a part of many people's lives. That doesn't mean you sit your two year old down and explain every detail to them, but seasoning your vocabulary with age appropriate adoption language will only help them to understand and prepared them to ask you questions. I know that there will be tougher questions to answer in the future and I will have to prepare my heart for some of the comments that I am sure I will hear as she gets older. But you know, most mothers do hear a comment or two from their children that is hurtful, even those who were not lead on the path of adoption. Part of being a mom is to prepare ourselves with the stillness it takes to listen, to take a deep breath and to respond with a loving heart.
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